Low Self-Esteem & The Lifestyle
Sunday, March 02, 2008
I accidentally participated in a theoretical conversation on the lifestyle. See, people don't go around trying to define marriage, right? I mean, one person would say it's where the man takes out the garbage and the women cooks. While another would say it's where the woman pays the bills and the man cooks.
The lifestyle encompasses so many of our own unique variations, that defining it can make a war zone out of a Yahoo Group, as I'm sure we've all seen.
But let's play today.
An erotica author, who wrote kink (but did not clarify whether she just wrote it or if she participated in the lifestyle or not--which is fine, that's a discussion for another day) mentioned that the reality of the lifestyle is that many submissives have low self-esteem and "they tend to get into relationships with men who are of the attitude that THEY are in charge and the sub does as she is told."
I don't want to play with the quote today, I want to think about her impression.
I don't think submissives have low self-esteem, at least not in any greater proportion than females in society as a whole.
I do worry that the general public assume that submissives have low self-esteem. But when someone in the know says it, too, I have to consider it.
The most intoxicating part of the lifestyle to me is the intimacy, the deep, strong bond that comes from power play.
To give up power, is to put oneself in a vulnerable position. To put oneself in a submissive position, whether it's sexually, physically, or mentally, is to be more vulnerable.
So I wonder if this "low self-esteem" is really just vulnerability.
Personally, I think being vulnerable is a beautiful thing, not a sign of low self-esteem. It's true, if you take a relationship to the deep level of the lifestyle, then you can be really hurt if that relationship is ended. I mean, deeply hurt.
But I'm still not convinced that's a sign of low self-esteem.
Since we're talking theoretically, submissives are more open and more vulnerable than their vanilla counterparts. We have to be more honest and more brave to truly experience .
A Master could, conceivably, act an entire scene and say the right things and do the right things without ever being emotionally vulnerable. I'm not convinced a submissive can enjoy the depths of the lifestyle without giving up all holds on control, without opening herself up.
That's just my take, though. Everyone experiences the lifestyle differently. What is your take? Do you think the majority of us have low self-esteem? Or do you think our vulnerability and openness is a strength?
I've never spanked a girl, and I haven't ever experimented with playing with another girl, and I haven't even experimented with switching to the Top. But when I try to imagine my stories, I always find the mental image of a woman on her knees, tears running down her face, as one of the most special, beautiful things in the world. To me, it's the image of trust and love.
What do you think? Do you think submissives typically have low self-esteem?
3 Comments:
Absolutely not. For me, being submissive is a choice I make, and is far from my real nature. I've heard many people say something similar. But even for those whose nature is submissive, I don't imagine they suffer from poor self-esteem more than any other population.
Huggs,
Reesa
By 
Reesa Roberts, at
I agree! And it's strange, how the submissives I know, about 80% are in some positions of leadership in their day jobs.
Like you said so well, it's all about choice. I think it's part of my inner nature, part of the vulnerable kernel of self one only shows to the person you love most, but it's definitely not part of my public nature.
Although, for some people, it's part of there public nature. Nothing wrong with that, either.
Like you said, the proportion of those with low self-esteem is probably the same in the spanking and greater population.
By storynattie, at
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