This Thing We Yearn For
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Over the years, I've seen many women come on these lists we all frequent, yearning for our lifestyle. And they hunger so much for it, they finally confess to their husbands, hoping to make this secret part of themselves a reality.
Some of them, sadly, don't get their dreams fulfilled. And some of them end up saying goodbye to all their friends on the list, saying that this desire of theirs is so intense, so hard to live with, that they need to leave. They need to put all thoughts of the lifestyle out of their head and pray to God they can find happiness without it. They hope, fervently, that they can forget this lifestyle forever.
Many of those women come back, eventually. Because it's not just a thing you can forget.
I've tried forgetting this lifestyle, too. For the past couple years, Mister Sir has been working on a ship in the ocean for much of the year. He's so far away, I hardly get to see him.
You do what you have to do.
This time, when he returned, he's had a ton of dental torture to undergo, so let's just say it's been almost a year since anything.
I confess there are times I've just lost it, saying I wish I'd never heard of spanking, that I wish I never had to write another spanking story again, and that I wish I could just cut this part out of myself.
The desire is so fierce, and when it is unfulfilled, it's just pure torture.
I don't know how to describe this lifestyle to people. I don't know how to explain that even one spank from a man I love can set my whole world to rights, can relax me completely, make me feel grounded and settled and safe.
How can I make someone understand that while I'm a vehement supporter of woman's rights, it thrills me to the core to obey the one I love?
Not getting this part of my life fulfilled is miserable.
Writing stories about it is strange. While they are my comfort and my only experience of it during this dry spell, they also inflame the need and make me even more lonely.
I'd venture to say this lifestyle is a bit like being gay. It's just a part of me, has been since first grade, before I had any clue what sex was. No matter what I do, it's part of my makeup. I don't believe it's a part of every woman or that there are any "shoulds" in humanity or the lifestyle, but I do believe it's not something I can cut out of myself.
I feel like I can connect, just a little, with a gay friend who once told me, "Dear God, I tried everything I could to be normal. I would have given my left arm to be normal. If I had been given the choice, I would have chosen to be normal."
I'm not sure I would go so far as to choose to be normal. I love this lifestyle with all my heart. Living without it--both before I met Mister Sir and while he's been gone or otherwise occupied--is probably the hardest and loneliest thing I've ever done.
And because it's a lifestyle normally led in secret, the loneliness must be borne alone, a private ache that no one I know understands. Not even Mister Sir.
Is it worse for the spankee, the bottom, the submissive? It seems to be, in general, but who knows.
Thoughts? What does this lifestyle mean to you? How big is it in your life? In your mind and thoughts? In your heart?
12 Comments:
This post connected with me so deeply, I wanted to read this so much that I did not even realise that it was everything I felt until it was put together by you. You said what was in my head.
Now, if I had my way, you would have written this at some other time of year when I was not rushed off my feet and I had the time to sit and ponder and consider and tease the issue and tussle with it, until I had some kind of wise ..not answer ..but moving forward, some new thought to add to yours and someone else would join in and soon, we would have it solved.
Except, its 9:30 pm and I have just sat down for the first time since I got up to go to work at 7 am and I have to pick my husband up soon (Christmas party) and my dog keeps throwing his chewy under the book shelf and whining pitifully at me until I scrabble on the floor and get it for him.
I need some time for this.
Maybe though, that is part of the point. Maybe , like a spiritual thing, we put it on out “to do” pile, it is not as vital as the weekly shop, or cleaning, or going to work, I always seem to be waiting for life to get less hectic so we can fit this in. I suspect there is a flaw in that. I suspect that maybe, this is the central thing, the thing that should be in the middle, but we are practical creatures and making sure we have milk seems more important.
I was speaking to my husband about this today, not exactly this, (well…yes, EXACTLY this , but he did not know it) and we were talking about something I had bought last night. I had asked him what kind of all in one pyjamas he liked, one type had a little DD possibility to it (drop seat- is that tacky?) one..did not. He said “go for the comfy one” , he was so lovely and I was so crestfallen that I chose the other kind in a rejected way. We spoke about this today and I explained to a confused husband that the comfy one is the one that involves this thing that we try to do, it runs through me. (He , most wonderfully, told me off for being silly- I did not tell him off for not being psychic which was kind of me, methinks)
It is me always –it’s not me on a Tuesday afternoon, its not me when I have the energy and/or the time, its me.
I want, so much, to feel as though its normal, its OK, its not weird. If I was capable of using the word “validated” then I would, but I don’t think I can.
I think that was what I loved about the Sanders Stories, it was a world where this was normal, OK, sensible, acceptable, respectable, accommodated- part of life.
This is in everything that I am. I think I fight it and sabotage it (for goodness knows what reasons…I would love to find a therapist that would let me work this out- never going to happen in middle England).
I think that when I make myself stop and think and work out how to be, how to accept this and not sabotage it then I can live it and my husband will pick it up from there.
Was it Gandhi that said, “Be the change that you want to see in the world” ? If so – then he was a clever bloke, I suspect DD was not uppermost in his mind at the time but I will borrow the sentiment.
I can’t, I won’t lose hope, I won’t let this go. I don’t want to be bitter (thinking of what I am missing out on), I don’t want a life half lived in denial of my nature.
We are clever women, we can solve more than this. The loneliness does not help, if we could meet for coffee once a week we could get it solved- you could write a book about it, maybe a start a campaign, there could be tee shirts and badges!
I wanted to spend longer on this but I could not leave it unsaid, in case you thought you were alone. You are not. I am with you, I would bet my house on there being a load of other people looking at your post and being with you too. They are probably busy doing the shopping and getting chewies from under things for their dogs’.
Many apologies for long post, maybe it’s a good job that I did not have time! If I had it would have been a damned sight more eloquent though!
Penelope
PS The coffee is not a stalker thing, I live in England as I said, worry not- it was an imaginary solution, I would love to be able to chat with another woman about this, in real time, face to face, I do think that’s is part of the problem. We are, as you say, alone in that sense.
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Penelope. I was beginning to feel alone, and a little embarrassed, too. :-)
I totally get the coffee thing. I've met two lovely friends (once, seven years ago) and my husband, but other than that, I don't really get to talk about the day-to-day living of it.
I like what you say about "it's me." Mister Sir always wants to wait until "all our ducks are in a row" before we delve back into the lifestyle. But ducks are never in a row, and like you say, this is me.
Sometimes it seems silly to me, but he can give me one spank in passing, and I feel so happy and complete and centered. No amount of yoga, self-help, meditation, or prayer can even come close, lol.
I don’t want a life half lived in denial of my nature.
Exactly, Penelope! Life is too short, too sacred. It's too special a part of us.
By 
storynattie, at
Truth be told, I can't imagine what my life would be like if spanking were suddenly taken out of it. It's an integral part of who I am, now, and I can't imagine going back to how I was before I was able to finally express my interests with others like me. I would probably still be alone and unfulfilled.
By ThomasIII, at
I have often wondered, if we could live -by choice- in a society where this was accepted and so need not be hidden then would we?
What I mean is that if there were areas that were DD areas (or LDD pr whatever one wants to call it) would people choose to live there?
The loneliness would no longer exist, there could be support and acceptance available, we would feel that our way of life was a normal and acceptable one.
BUT - other people would know that we live like this, even though they made the same choice that would bother me I think.
I know this is an imaginary situation.
Would you live in an area (ie somewhere you could live by choice and move away from at will) where this way of life was the norm?
Thomas, I have a hard time with it, I really do. I definitely feel lonely and unfulfilled. I hope this dry spell ends soon.
By storynattie, at
What great questions, Penelope! Wow, I don't know. I tend to fear "shoulds," and I fear that in a place like that, "shoulds" would emerge.
Maybe not.
I wonder: would it be as fun if there wasn't an edge of doing something different to it? Maybe I like being different, I don't know.
Gosh, great questions, Penelope. Would you?
By storynattie, at
OK- just so you know- am thinking and plotting answer...
LOL, Penelope, I had the same reaction! :-)
By storynattie, at
I am 30 years old and have know for a long time that spanking to me is somethng diffrent, at a young teenage age I would write stories,spanking stories, I have always had a writing passion, but I would write these stories and could never seem to have any story line besides spanking!!
As I said I am grown now, married with two children and suffer!! I love my husband dearly and we have been getting our feet wet in a DD realtionship for a little over one year and it seems to go in waves. I have told my husband about my spanking needs, but it seems difficult at best to explain that they are just that...NEEDS, not just wants or desires. Ahh.
Just this morning I was feeling so horriable thinking once again that I was never going to bring up spanking, and that I would just swallow this need. But I know that I can't.
This is who I am, just as I am five foot four inches, Have browneyes acne scars...all a part off who I am!! When I express to people my love of my job, and when I tell people how important working with the elderly is to me, I am a hero in some eyes! But Why is that passion okay, and my needs not? ahh....
So back to the main question, the spankings that I do get are 98% pre-sex kinky spanking, never in my book long enough or hard enough . But I live wih them and for them, right now that is all I have. At times getting just kinky spanking is hard to deal with, I will feel I am so close...To a REAL SPANKING...only to be let down in my mind.
I still write my short stories (of course about spanking) but I have to limit my time and thoughts, because altough I get great joy from writing them, thay also can bring me depression :(
I am glad that I found your blog. It is really , really nice to find a real person with the same needs.
P.s. The thought of living in a sanking comminity would seem great, but I enjoy the down lowness that being in a DD realtionship brings. I instead would love a Spanked Wives Club!!
Hi Cristina!
You're not alone with the plot problem! Spanking creeps into all my stories, even when I'm trying all I can to keep it out.
And I totally hear you on the depression, so very much. Mister Sir has not yet gone back to spanking, and I'm pretty sure he's decided he's done with it for life. (He's older than I am.) So it's an odd sort of thing, because spanking stories are the only comfort I get, and yet they also bring me intense frustration and loneliness.
::sigh::
Hugs,
Nattie
By storynattie, at
I am grateful to have come across this post. I have wished so many times that I could rid myself of my desire for spankings, esp. discipline spankings.
My husband indulges me at times but most of the time I know that his heart and mind are not in it. My husband doesn't have the passion for it that I do. I know he would be just fine with it if I forgot all about spanking and DD. I wish I could forget. But I can't. It is part of who I am.
I'm glad that I am not alone in having these feelings, but I don't wish the pain on anyone else.
-Rainy
I hear you, Rainy. *hugs* I understand completely. It can be a wonderful thing, but left unfulfilled... it's difficult. It's been so long for me, and now I wonder if I can trust someone new with such a thing, or even find someone.
Sometimes it's hard to believe that spanking is the most popular kink.
By storynattie, at
